image source: you wish

i'm kind of having lots of weird thoughts lately, and i'm sure it may be evident to some as to why i feel this way. unfortunately these thoughts won't stop for a while. you see the thing is, somewhere along the way, i tripped on the cord that causes the domino effect. and then everything in your life falls apart, one thing after the other, and all you can think is "was there any way i could have stopped this?"

i could have stopped it at the very start, but it was a bit like a champagne bottle cork. you touch it and it flies of.
i could have stopped the things i did and do it another way but i didn't. and so the bubble grew.
i could have stopped and talked and explained and reasoned, but i didn't.

i didn't because i can't describe it. i didn't because i don't want to say it out loud. i didn't because acknowledging it (or at least having someone else acknowledge it) is really signing the contract. it's like writing GAME OVER on your face, so that everyone who looks at you can scream at you LOSER LONER. and that L on your forehead doesn't stand for love, it's definitely for loser.

so do i keep going, do i not look back? or do i walk back with my head hung low like george-michael bluth, unable to look people in the eye because they are thinking the same thing i am.

i would tell you what i'm going to do but i honestly don't know, secretly, i'm hoping that the heavens will open up and a big tree with apples on it will ripen and the red fruit envelope the answer, so that when someone (not me, i won't be picking up apples from the ground) bites into it, the solution flies out, like a gas trapped in a bottle.

this has been a lot of aimless pondering today, i feel a bit like alice (not wonderland)