running away till january third

I had a lot of fun tonight even though some points could have been less awkward but I suppose that sometimes that can't be avoided. There is still alcohol in my system and sometimes I feel like I can feel it running through my veins, hitting all parts of my body, taking control of who I am. Tonight's events left me thinking that perhaps I am not a forward person - unable to initiate. But then, I almost did, for once I was more proactive than the other. It didn't result in much, or anything at all really, but in my mind I did think to myself "You are doing something you do not usually do. You are becoming someone new. You are growing and changing while everyone is at a standstill." And that's true - I think that sometimes I have morphed into someone that the people around me can no longer recognise, and perhaps that is why sometimes ships are strained. Again this is a lot of rambling but it is going to have to last me until January 3rd, so it's important that I write down everything on my mind, for my head is unable to carry as much matter since my exams.

You're still on my mind and after discussions I am now even further away from the truth and further away from a final answer. I am hoping that once I have returned to my beautiful city, everything will have been resolved without my help and that you will come forward and explain and complete and solve and fix and do. It's not that I don't want to be forward and explain and complete and solve and fix and do, it's just that I would like to see you do it first, because I'm not sure if you are capable of such things. Only time will tell so I suppose I can only wait.

On the other hand you cannot leave my mind either, but it is for entirely other reasons. I can only dream but much like in The Science Of Sleep, when I dream too much they begin to overlap with reality and I confuse myself. There is a large picture of Gael Garcia Bernal staring me in the face right now, reminding me that I must stay close to the ground and not let fantasies get the better of me. But there you sit, haunting me, on my left shoulder, an angel and devil all in one, taunting me but also ridiculing me - how is it even possible for that to happen? But you continue to be forward, more forward than I, I suppose, but again, nothing shall eventuate because nothing ever does.

And then finally, I am drawn into silly games and am always entertained when I'm around you but I think sometimes I am too tolerant. I agree and just laugh and nod because yes it is funny, but also because I'm not sure what else there is I can do. I once let my brain try and do the thinking but the gut is mightier than the mind, apparently, and so I was led astray. But all in good fun and with no harm either.

That's everything. My mind is emptied, ready for travels.

One last thing, all my friends are intelligent and my respect and admiration for every single one of them has grown ten fold. I have never been so in awe of the people that I am honoured to call my friends and am proud of them too, because I know I could never pull off such a magnificent feat. On the other hand, all these 99+s are intimidating and frightening and I worry that when my own results should be released (January 4th) I will let them down, I will let myself down.

But hopefully, if they are good and proper friends, they will look beyond that.



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