lightbulb attacks

2010-02-12T17:34:00.002+11:00

http://runawayrussian.blogspot.com

Let me lead you to my new home.

liar liar

2010-02-07T22:32:00.002+11:00

You hit a nerve. I can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking and my mind, right now my mind is chaotic. And these thoughts, I can't keep them forever, no, they're not the type that has the privilege of being stored and stowed in the little black book, so for now I am going to write them here.

And I know I said I would stop writing here but the things on my mind, they don't really belong anywhere else. There is no real content to this post, it is just so that underneath it all, I can safely hide the real things I want to say.

This probably won't happen again. If so, I'll start a new blog to accompany university.

so it's january third

2010-01-03T18:30:00.001+11:00

And I am not strong enough to do this anymore.

Thanks for reading. Or not.

(PS: Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you so much.)

running away till january third

2009-12-17T02:52:00.004+11:00

I had a lot of fun tonight even though some points could have been less awkward but I suppose that sometimes that can't be avoided. There is still alcohol in my system and sometimes I feel like I can feel it running through my veins, hitting all parts of my body, taking control of who I am. Tonight's events left me thinking that perhaps I am not a forward person - unable to initiate. ~~But then, I almost did, for once I was more proactive than the other. It didn't result in much, or anything at all really, but~~ in my mind I did think to myself "You are doing something you do not usually do. You are becoming someone new. You are growing and changing while everyone is at a standstill." And that's true - I think that sometimes I have morphed into someone that the people around me can no longer recognise, and perhaps that is why sometimes ships are strained. Again this is a lot of rambling but it is going to have to last me until January 3rd, so it's important that I write down everything on my mind, for my head is unable to carry as much matter since my exams.

You're still on my mind and after discussions I am now even further away from the truth and further away from a final answer. I am hoping that once I have returned to my beautiful city, everything will have been resolved without my help and that you will come forward and explain and complete and solve and fix and do. It's not that I don't want to be forward and explain and complete and solve and fix and do, it's just that I would like to see you do it first, because I'm not sure if you are capable of such things. Only time will tell so I suppose I can only wait.

On the other hand you cannot leave my mind either, but it is for entirely other reasons. I can only dream but much like in The Science Of Sleep, when I dream too much they begin to overlap with reality and I confuse myself. There is a large picture of Gael Garcia Bernal staring me in the face right now, reminding me that I must stay close to the ground and not let fantasies get the better of me. But there you sit, haunting me, on my left shoulder, an angel and devil all in one, taunting me but also ridiculing me - how is it even possible for that to happen? But you continue to be forward, more forward than I, I suppose, but again, nothing shall eventuate because nothing ever does.

And then finally, I am drawn into silly games and am always entertained when I'm around you but I think sometimes I am too tolerant. I agree and just laugh and nod because yes it is funny, but also because I'm not sure what else there is I can do. I once let my brain try and do the thinking but the gut is mightier than the mind, apparently, and so I was led astray. But all in good fun and with no harm either.

That's everything. My mind is emptied, ready for travels.

One last thing, all my friends are intelligent and my respect and admiration for every single one of them has grown ten fold. I have never been so in awe of the people that I am honoured to call my friends and am proud of them too, because I know I could never pull off such a magnificent feat. On the other hand, all these 99+s are intimidating and frightening and I worry that when my own results should be released (January 4th) I will let them down, I will let myself down.

But hopefully, if they are good and proper friends, they will look beyond that.

in doing more thinking,

2009-12-16T02:28:00.003+11:00

No, I don't think I'll think about you anymore.

But that doesn't make me very happy. I can't really do anything about it I guess.

i don't know what to do

2009-12-15T15:07:00.001+11:00

I can't stop thinking about you. I really can't.

i don't think i should blog anymore

2009-12-08T23:29:00.001+11:00

This isn't a tale of heroic feats. It's about two lives, running parallel for a while.

some things i would like to say to some people

2009-12-08T11:42:00.004+11:00

1) Be more of a gentleman

2) I want to be with you right now

3) It's hard being friends with you

4) You've changed, but I don't think it matters

5) You've changed, but it does matter

rewind

2009-12-06T14:53:00.005+11:00

You want it, then you need it. But then you need it more than you can have it and the cogs break down trying to cope with the demand. The surplus of demand results in a need for greater supply and so you sit there waiting, waiting, waiting for the moment to come when it is fine to want again, to need again; because this desire, this passion, is worth more than anything else you've ever encountered. And that might not be okay, but right now, you have no other option. And the desire takes over. And even when the timing is not right, even when you should be waiting - you take the plunge.

And it's all just a big mistake.

can't pronounce

2009-12-05T22:17:00.002+11:00

Uneasy. Very uneasy. It was the best and then the worst and everything in between and I don't know what to say or do or pretend nothing ever happened. I'm almost certain the last option is not possible.

one final thing,

2009-11-28T00:24:00.001+11:00

I'm listening to Billy Joel. When did this even happen?

sunlights

2009-11-27T23:33:00.002+11:00

Hey, hey you. Yes you, standing right there acting as if you are ever so fucking innocent. Get that smirk off your face please, because you are guilty. Guilty of haunting me and not in a good way or a bad way, you are just always there, lurking in my shadows and whispering in my ears when I'm trying to sleep. I can't explain why you are always there but you are and I don't think I like it - or maybe I like it a lot, but whatever, whatever this shit is, it's not right.

And you know what? You make me feel uneasy and unlike myself and unsure and yet you still act as if nothing is wrong. Something is always wrong. So bugger off and leave me alone please, because whether this is love or the opposite of love, I can't say I enjoy it.

false alarm,

2009-11-27T16:00:00.003+11:00

I thought I wouldn't be posting again until I came back but here it is. You keep showing up in my dreams. I don't even know what that means.

hollywood ending

2009-11-24T22:21:00.007+11:00

I spent the other day at a park near my friends house. The park was quaint and I felt like I had stepped into a dream. Margaret had a wonderful wardrobe and we spent some time exploring it before doing a mini shoot in the park for fun.

In other news, I am steadily moving on like the tortoise awaiting the homecoming. Summer vacation is begging for madness and insanity and I have found myself doing so many wonderful things that the poor little ventilation system that I studied all about in Biology has failed to keep up. I'm being more cryptic than I used to because I think that secrets, even from myself (as sometimes they are too hard to nut) are more fun and intriguing for us all.

Besos, I will see you on the other side of some clubbing, teacher chats and a week at a beach.

PS: Margaret featured in 3, 4, 5 and 9. I am featured in 6 and 7.

chilling to the core

2009-11-19T23:01:00.004+11:00

Painted nails means that I am free of school. (Kit Nail Polish in High Roller)

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

2009-11-17T00:58:00.002+11:00

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

By Mary Schmich, 1997

I can't regret. Neither can you.

fancy a different one

2009-11-15T11:58:00.003+11:00

Since I've put up my counter, which was just a little over a month ago, I've already had 1000 unique hits. I know that might seem a bit pathetic and what not but for me it's quite exciting, to think that 1000 souls have stumbled across my little field in the internet, however empty it may be.

I've finished my exams now and I'm wondering if having a blog is still a good idea. I find that recently I'm struggling to find the right words, pictures, outfits to share. Perhaps once I start using my camera again (hopefully, well definitely, today), it'll be better.

I've moved off from Sudoku and I'm now trying Kakuro. I've got to keep stimulating the mind with games of intellect, reading on historical figures and interesting phenomenons. Maybe you would like to read about Cameron Todd Willingham. If it fascinates you as much as me, feel free to contact me, I would love to talk to you about it.

Sorry for the excess of words.

one eighty

2009-11-11T22:21:00.003+11:00

"No, it isn't all right for anybody to make such a terrible row, but - people do sometimes. Stanley's always smashed things. Why, on our wedding night - soon as we came in here - he snatched off one of my slippers and rushed about the place smashing the light-bulbs with it."

"He did what?"

"He shamed all the light-bulbs with the heel of my slipper!"

"And you - you let him? Didn't run, didn't scream?"

"I was - sort of - thrilled by it."

A Streetcar Named Desire

I went to the beach today instead of studying for my final exam. It's all coming to an end. I've never been so thrilled in my life.

2009-11-09T12:04:00.000+11:00

see lion sea lion

2009-11-08T14:28:00.004+11:00

In Mean Girls Cady has moments of word vomit where she is unable to filter what she says and recently this has been happening to me quite a lot. It is not exactly planned or anything but all of a sudden I am saying things that probably do not need to be said or known and yet I continue to do it anyway because I don't think quick enough, and that seems to be one of my biggest problems. I'm not a quick thinker so by the time I am ready to attack the moment has passed, and then I am only the weakling in the corner who is not strong enough to stand up and say what she thinks (but with a filter of course), so instead what comes out is a load of crap that should never be heard by anyone. So maybe the next time I am asked the hard hitting questions I have the right response and I do not have to bow out, because it's embarrassing, I think, or maybe it's not but I have made this all a bit bigger than it truly is. But it's hard to know because although we try and be objective, whatever we think shall always be morphed into something a little subjective because we will always have an underlying opinion.

sort of things i've been wearing

2009-11-07T15:49:00.003+11:00

But not really.

lo siento

2009-11-07T01:20:00.004+11:00

But Bill shall replace our sorrows

The gender parity index

Human development index

And real gross domestic product

Are telling me not to worry

Photosynthesis and cellular respiration

The inverse of the inverse is the original

My head's all mixed up

Finish, finish, finish

Only half a dozen and I am

-

2009-11-05T22:20:00.002+11:00

It could all be so easy
But why are you making it so hard

I don't know what to say to make it better

Then I think that by saying nothing at all it's only getting worse

So help me decide

This could all be so easy

impress me once

2009-11-05T00:26:00.003+11:00

You're all I want, you're all I need.
Wake up baby, it's just you and me.

he is perfect

2009-11-02T18:39:00.003+11:00

I've always thought that even the worst of moods can be lifted by dear Mr Stevens.

we could do it alone

2009-11-02T00:33:00.008+11:00

She said that at times, her mind would be flooded with thoughts and all sorts of odd reveries. It was not dissimilar to a natural disaster, all caught between her ears. And when she couldn't contain it, the secrets and whispers of dreams all rushed out, much like a wave.

réaction oscillante

2009-10-29T23:38:00.002+11:00

Even science is beautiful.

food for thinking

2009-10-29T23:19:00.004+11:00

'Sit tight,' they told us, 'the world is waiting to be explored.' So we sit and we wait and we hope and we dream and that is all we can do. Nothing more and nothing less. We sit by the fire, surrounded in the forest by nothing more than the wind howling in our ears. We appear destroyed on the outside, rags clinging onto our bodies, but inside, somehow, we manage to be stronger than ever. 'You'll make it,' they say 'everyone makes it in the end.'

It is the third day now, none of us are quite sure what to do. So we sit and we wait.

No one talks. We don't need to anymore. What was a necessity becomes luxury.

the gap

2009-10-29T20:53:00.005+11:00

It grew and she didn't know what to do, except watch as everything distanced itself,

But that didn't work either, it felt as if all the edges were melting away.

So he told her to look closely; I think he thought a change of surroundings would treat her well.

And so she did, but everything blurred before her, surrounded by shadows and highlights

And there was nothing left to see.

Just had a lazy chemistry Thursday.

I keep updating because there is a lot on my mind recently, and I can't make sense of it all. sorry.

But in a more positive notes (perhaps), good luck my fellow year 12s. You will all be splendid in the English exam, there is simply gold waiting to escape from your pens.

my boy builds coffins

2009-10-28T20:55:00.003+11:00

Bored? Of course not.

I'm studying rather hard. I think..

world, listen to me

2009-10-27T21:02:00.006+11:00

I've been really indecisive recently.

Today, on the tram, there was the most handsome boy.

That's all. Just a handsome boy.

Infatuation ends and hate begins and we are stuck in between.

Sometimes it is important not to think.

This is not to do nothing, because this theory of nothing, it does not exist.

Something is always occurring.

But not thinking... this is vital.

you've got mail, or me

2009-10-25T17:17:00.003+11:00

Colours are what
Keep me alive
Colours are what
To hold in my head

I'm everything a girl could need
There's nothing in this heart but me

If everything you want is free

- Hot Chip, Colours

Save me the trouble.

No need to go through the process twice.

i can hear this beat

2009-10-20T22:25:00.003+11:00

For a year, I wrote in a little brown book which stored daily thoughts and observations. These days they go into a little black moleskine. I can write more on the pages, but I think I like my brown book entries more, they're short and sweet.

This entry dates from the 9th of April, 2009. I think it's fitting for where I am right now.

When you physically cannot control the tears falling down your face - that is, they're going to come down regardless of what you do - you know you're upset. And today, the tears rolled down, softly but surely, and sure enough, I was truly, beyond words, upset. And you know, maybe it's an indication that I don't want it to end, but sometimes the vibe from the other side is so strong that you are led to believe that the finish line may be the best choice.

I still know what I was talking about originally and it's not the same as what I am thinking about now but the two sort of fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. I don't want this to end. And I am honestly upset. I've gone through 14 years of school at 3 different schools. This has been my whole life. And now it's just meant to be over. And we're meant to go and study without teachers. And sit exams. And get on with our lives. Fat chance.

Then again, this entry from this entry from the 3rd of July, 2008 also describes how I feel.

I'm so... euphoric. I don't know why. I want to be in Paris, no, New York right this moment. Melbourne is too calm for me, I crave the craziness.

This is too hard. Everything's pulling in different directions. I need a DeLorean, and a Doc, too.

quick one

2009-10-17T22:14:00.001+11:00

I just wanted to make it known how much I love everyone who comments, or reads the blog. It honestly makes my day when I find out someone does read it, and it keeps me posting, even if the content is a bit worthless.

Thank you.

12th december, 4th january

2009-10-14T23:07:00.002+11:00

This is nice.

Everything is culminating in one last hoorah. 1 week till graduation, 3 till exams start, 4 till exams end, 6 till schoolies, 7 till meredith.

i'm silly

2009-10-14T15:30:00.000+11:00

I didn't realise that images don't render nicely in internet explorer, although frankly, why are you still using internet explorer? I might do something about it later... unless you don't care. Then, nevermind.

Anyway, enthusiasm has been a little low so these are the things I am looking forward to, to get me through the last few.

1. Schoolies
2. Meredith Music Festival
3. Christmas and New Years
4. Holidaying with family
5. Big Day Out? We'll see what happens
6. Laneway
7. Art projects
8. Photography projects
9. Media projects
10. Endless movie watching
11. Catching up on TV shows
12. Seeing people I haven't caught up with in ages
13. SUMMER CLOTHES
14. Learning how to sew? Maybe. I think I'm just inadequate
15. Cooking summer feasts
16. Book club! I want to start one
17. Everything else

nine years ago

2009-10-11T18:38:00.009+11:00

I'm moving, I'm coming
Can you hear what I hear?
It's calling you my dear out of reach
(take me to my beach)
I can hear it calling you
I'm coming, not drowning, swimming closer to you

Never been here before
I'm intrigued, I'm unsure
I'm searching for more
I've got something thats all mine
I've got something thats all mine

Take me somewhere I can breathe
I've got so much to see
This is where I want to be
In a place I can call mine
In a place I can call mine

I'm moving, I'm coming
Can you hear what I hear?
It's calling you my dear out of reach
(take me to my beach)
I can hear it calling you
I'm coming, not drowning, swimming closer to you

Pure Shores by All Saints. (Don't tell me you didn't love this song)

so i'm really late to the party

2009-10-09T23:58:00.004+11:00

But McQueen is perfection. Instead of doing my homework and studying, I have spent the whole night with this show. I'm lost for words - it's the epitomy of beauty in my eyes. I was talking about art and what it conveys and communicates with a friend, and this collection just says more to me than any novel can. Wow. I just sounded like I'm full of crap and really pretentious. Sorry.

And don't go calling me psycho (I know you will) but I would like to wear those shoes... just once. Here are just a couple of my favourites for now.

And the shoes that are incomprehensible and yet so enticing...

Source: fashionologie

things i like

2009-10-08T23:30:00.005+11:00

Funny how I never post celebrities and yet both times I have it is Elijah Wood. I promise I don't even like him that much.

Campaign for Oliver Peoples. These are the types of sunglasses I would like to own. As much as I love my Raybans, I want to mix it up. With these suckers.

did you know

2009-10-06T21:24:00.004+11:00

When I go exploring, everyone is a stranger. I thought this was supposed to be the social revolution, only I feel more lonely than I did before. I need a brain rest, nothing is working properly anymore. Why am I even using words. I want to use photographs, songs, movies, colours to communicate. I'm sick of words. Words never say what you want them to. Things are misconstrued, misunderstood, misread, misheard. Nothing is what you expect it to be. Everything we discover could potentially be potent. Or false. Why do we trust, why am I trusting you, why am I trusting everyone. I don't know if it would be better if I trust no one.

Why do we let down barriers for some and not for others. What makes them fit the criteria better. Who decides this criteria. What if your criteria is a piece of shit. What makes you too good to talk to me. Who gave you the right to treat others like crap. Why are you so high and mighty. No one is. Everyone is the same. We are all the default. Understand it please. You need to stop now. I'm trying to help you. I don't know why. But this crap has to end. We're all leaving a pocket of security and yet everyone seems to think that they are safer than ever. I've got to stop using words. They're digging me into worse positions than before.

also,

2009-10-06T21:03:00.005+11:00

I wonder if anyone really acknowledges each others feelings.

If we recognise anything: different or the same.

Can we stand the truth?

Nothing feels very healthy anymore. None of this is healthy. We should stop everything and start again. I don't know how to do this but maybe a simple 'Hello' will suffice.

trying to stay afloat

2009-10-05T19:08:00.005+11:00

Being less than one month from my final exams, I am suddenly acutely aware of how quickly time has passed through my fingers, without me even having a chance to grab on to it and scream "WAIT. WAIT FOR ME."

How do we save these last few moments from escaping from us? Do we even? Do we care that the days are disappearing before our very eyes?

thoughts from today

2009-10-03T01:37:00.005+10:00

I just want you to know that I really do love being your friend. I'm far too embarrassed to say it to your face but maybe you'll stumble across this and know how I feel. You're the best, truly.

So I purchased the lipstick, the dress, the skirt, and the shirts. Very successful day.

And you smelt like chocolate.

I'll be more cohesive and interesting next time. Photo is by me.

sometimes i just want

2009-09-26T11:34:00.004+10:00

Dear fate,

I like to imagine that I don't ask for too much, and I know, you've already planned it out for me, but I was wondering when Friday rolls around, if I could find the following items with ease.

A silver/white bob wig
Fishnet stockings
Red lipstick
A perfect maxi dress
Boyfriend jeans
A knockoff of the wedges I have been lusting after
Lots of nice skirts and shirts
A new pair of bathers

Thank you, if it all works out (or maybe 50% even), then maybe I'll still believe in you after Friday.

Catherine

anticlimax

2009-09-26T11:21:00.004+10:00

I'm updating just for you, so you know.

Life is awfully one-dimensional at this instant. Nights have blended into days and I'm struggling to keep track of what is a necessity and what is pure lust.

happy returns, regrets, redemptions

2009-09-21T01:02:00.009+10:00

On the 25th of September, there will be an 18 - 105mm lens departing from it's home, making it's way from the Gold Coast to my humble abode.

I have never been so excited. I am going to have my Nikon D80 back. I've been waiting for this moment for so long. I'm sick of using my polaroid and living off other's shots (I'm sorry. They're not crummy. They're just not mine.), I have missed being the photographer, I have missed remembering what happened with the photos, I have missed everything.

It seems a little silly to be so overjoyed by the return of my camera.

But I can't help it anyway - celebrate with me.

take your money

2009-09-20T10:22:00.003+10:00

I smell like smoke. It's enveloped in my hair.

i don't think you read this but,

2009-09-16T17:16:00.003+10:00

Part of me is wondering how it unravelled.

I won't ask. Because you're not going to tell me.

But I wish you would.

I didn't think you were even going to start.

And yet, there you were.

Now finish it please.

We all like happy endings.

they call it a lost cause

2009-09-13T23:34:00.000+10:00

i call it winning

seven teens in a line

2009-09-12T13:28:00.003+10:00

seventeen almost feels the same

almost

Thank you friends who made the effort to text, message, etc and send wishes. I am now able to perform magic legally and not much more. My sixteenth year ended with a viewing of The Science of Sleep, listening to Debussy, and an empty mind, floating along.

The Science of Sleep was beautiful and challenging. It explored dreams and reality. I love dreams, a mystery filled with alternate realities, a world which we cannot control. But dragging our dreams from the other side to where we stand, it's unsafe. And probably not right.

So please, stay in my dreams, for that is where I like you best.

a lot to consider

2009-09-10T23:50:00.006+10:00

an awful lot of food for thought

In visiting Salvador Dali: Liquid Desire today, my mind is only more puzzled and concepts become more complex. Above are many various images from many various places that have been on my mind in recent times. It is a mixed bag because I am beginning to think that we should not dwell on the same matter for too long. I realise that so many images in one place at one time can be confronting and hard to process, as I found myself struggling to digest all the Dali that was stirring in my brain, so I'm sorry if this is a bit of a photo vomit.

Today I sat helplessly on a tram while one girl inspected me and my uniform. She scrutinized my hair, my eyes hidden behind glasses, my chapped lips, my blazer pocket, the contents in my hand, the way I composed myself, head to toe. This was unsettling, but how do you tell someone to stop? Is it hypocritical if I analysed her too, as she ate her aero bar, chocolate dropping to her lap, her skirt scrunched, her hair messy, her jumper lopsided, her face menacing, her eyes filled with curiousity and frustration.

Also on the tram were two boys who had just shoplifted from the local opportunity store. Why this was a good idea to them is lost on me. One boy then began to tag the seat opposite me with a less than visible marker. It was a shit tag - long, complicated and looked like someone could have done it even if their vision was impaired. I wanted to tell them that if they were going to do these things they should at least do it right - steal from the greedy and tag to be noticed, but I felt that such encouragement was not necessary. They will probably continue to be that stupid for a long while.

a shocking 55

2009-09-06T01:32:00.005+10:00

This post is being created awfully late and I should be sleeping.

There are people in this world who are awfully handsome or awfully horrific and luckily for me the two men above are awfully handsome. Here. Have some more.

I'm afraid there is not a lot of substance in this post but however that is all about to change. My friend wrote this and I find it terribly endearing, and I believe that others should see it too, because after tonight I do in fact think some of these things.

"It's a little bit funny how things can turn out. How they can completely exceed or totally fall short of one’s expectations. How a person can go from borderline to one hundred percent in your bad books. How people that usually fill the position of “cat’s pajamas” in your eyes, can slowly and gradually demote themselves, hour by hour, decision by decision until all that once was, is up for questioning, and you’re left with dull disappointment. How sometimes you can sense that a person’s thoughts are not what they should be. How every person around you can exude a different and compelling hint of their internal dialogue, and all you want is to be able to hear it."

Other than that, I need to sleep. Also, I don't know if I will wake up and remember my thoughts so I am best to record them in my moleskine.

Good night and good luck. X

a reflecting 54

2009-09-02T22:49:00.007+10:00

Spring brings me hope. Hoping and dreaming and wishing that maybe, just maybe, you'll pop around and give me a kiss on the cheek. I don't want anymore than that, I'm okay with how it is. In all this murky water right now you shine like a fucking beacon and I hate using stupid cliches but that's exactly what you deserve, soppy stupid cliches.

When life is a mess, all you need is sunshine, sweet smelling scents and Sufjan Stevens. These things have all managed to come out from the void and hell yes it's wonderful. Friends are beautiful things, fighting is stupid.... tension is unnecessary. At times like this it is important to keep things in context, and keep everything in order. Control. This is what this is, a sense of control. Nothing more.

Someone else has entered my life for the second time and I am uneasy but also frightened... will anything happen, no one can be sure.

More ramble, less coherency as time moves on.

53

2009-09-02T18:17:00.003+10:00

summer by sufjan

All I wanted to do was eradicate black but instead I am left without a wardrobe. Spring has come, and I am searching for the perfect maxi dress to survive the future heat.

a reviewing 52

2009-08-31T00:14:00.005+10:00

I am beginning to believe that we are entirely in control of our lives. What life provides, I'll embrace. And really, why shouldn't I? It's an awfully beautiful thing that I have deemed insufferable. However, please do not be fooled. My sudden change in views is not spontaneous.

It is because yesterday I watched two films; Y tu mamá también and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I realise I have already gushed to my friends about them repeatedly, but most of that was non-sensical. Armed with some real thoughts about them, I would like to share them with you.

To condense the story of Y tu mamá también into one sentence, it is the story of two boys who begin a road trip acros Mexico with a beautiful woman, with only a beach named Heaven's Mouth in their sight. The film has an occasional narrator, who provides additional information at times when necessary. Y tu mamá también is best described as compelling. When the end of the film rolled around, I wasn't able to move. I sat there, speechless, unable to bring together coherent thought about it. It had an effect on me that very few films do. Usually I watch films for comfort and security, films set in high school are watched far too often by me (hello John Hughes and the wonders of the 80's), but Y tu mamá también confronted me like no other.

I think it is fair to say that I am not entirely sure I understand this film 100% yet. Yes, the plot was consise and beautiful but beyond that, there was discovery, and learning who we truly are - what we respond to, what we are angered by and what we desire. My viewing of the film has come at an appropriate time, now almost finished with my secondary education. Funny, how I never graduated from primary school. Perhaps that is why I feel like a child still. But I digress. I think my opinions of this film may change after a second viewing, but I wish to savour them, like a favourite lolly, and so I am unsure that I will watch it again soon.

While I woke up to Y tu mamá también, The Diving Bell and The Butterfly was viewed in the night. So many beautiful women in a film, but they are no distraction to the plot. It tells the story of Jean-Do Bauby and his life after suffering a stroke, crippling him with Locked-In Syndrome, where one is paralysed except for the eye.

I had very different feelings for this movie, possibly because it was all the more heart-breaking. It's still hard to gather the words about how I feel about it but I'm not at all surprised as to why so many of my friends adore this film. It was powerful, it filled me with hope, and it had strength. Oh god, this all sounds so dreadfully corny. The film was beautiful, I didn't dare blink throughout. (Ironic.) Watching the special features, so much thought went into every detail of it, culminating in one of the most stunning films I've viewed. But the cinematography only has the ability to add to the sentiment and meaning of this film, not draw from it. The film was uplifting, we can all find something from nothing. Kindness is all around, and I myself had a wonderful encounter at the market today. Thank you to the man who gave me a Frank Zappa DVD, it made my day. Alas, but it seems I've missed the mark once more.

I'm afraid I can't pick which of these I love more, because it is unfair to compare. Both are simply beautiful, perhaps for different reasons, but nonetheless, captivating. I encourage you to view both, but perhaps not in one sitting, that could potentially be lethal. My mind hasn't drifted from images of these two films since then and I'm not sure that can be classified as healthy.

I'm sorry. There's been a lot on my mind recently and I'm afraid it might not all make sense. This is insanely lengthy and I hope it hasn't sent you to sleep (but I feel it may have done so.)

a thoughtless 51

2009-08-28T21:29:00.009+10:00

I couldn't sleep last night. So I began to write a letter. I kept on writing and writing and writing and I couldn't stop, I still can't stop. The words are spilling over the pages, my sentences are bcoming paragraphs which transform into pages of text; limitless letters that somehow formulate things of meaning. I'm writing things down that I never intended to tell anyone but I am telling you these things because these things need to be heard and they have to be heard by you. But I want to stop. I think I need to stop.

But I won't. Because I want to tell you so much, there are so many gaps that need to be filled. I just don't know how, and this idea, this letter, it's all I have to cling to anymore.

It'll all make sense when you open your letterbox.

a new 50

2009-08-23T18:57:00.006+10:00

Having gotten this far through life I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pretending it's your fault. It's never been anyone else's fault but mine - my inability to admit to my faults, my refusal to accept that times and people have changed, my misunderstanding of the way we act, and my longing for things to remain the same. It's not fair that I've been blaming others, I'm the one with the flawed personality, the one that needs an attitude adjustment, not anyone else. Everyone else is an angel, I just can't see that.

When everything around seems wrong, it is clear that it is no longer the things surrounding you that have caused it, but you have yourself. You've digged you way down to the core and there is no escaping. And when there is no way to escape, even feeble excuses won't be enough to bring you out. I think the only way out of this possible situation is a cleanse. You can definitely wash yourself out of a sticky situation - always, but it's hard. It requires so much effort of you that it might not even see worth the time. But I don't know what else to do. So I think I'm going to begin with the cleanse.

49

2009-07-19T19:15:00.004+10:00

it's unhealthy to dream about the future, but that's exactly what i'm doing

come quicker, november 12

48

2009-07-15T18:48:00.009+10:00

this is really for my own benefit

red

fire desire want ne-

it's not there for any of us

not for you not for me

burns, doesn't it

orange

dirt

that is all that i am

muck and mess and

nothing

stops me

yellow

try to look up

there is only blinding light

what is ahead

for i cannot see

green

with envy i am -
not
knot
twisted and breaking

blue
cold and lifeless
chest doesn't move
where did she go
i do not know

purple
stop looking from above
down at the rest
you are a nobody
in a world of nothing
nothing does not exist
you do not exist

47

2009-07-14T14:27:00.012+10:00

edit: polaroids removed.

almost at 150

i'm wearing a dress from... well i don't remember, black tights, glasses are blue raybans and i also had a trench coat and black pumps

46

2009-07-12T17:10:00.005+10:00

triple j's top 100 of all time is amusing and amazing

because i hear all these songs that i had honestly forgotten about

but then as the track plays, you understand exactly why it is loved

i can't wait to hear number one

other things i can't wait for

harry potter and the half blood prince

meredith, falls, summer

dinner

oh and last night i went to a wonderful gathering of souls, i wore a dress that i want to share...... but i'm lazy. i don't think i got into any photos, but i have some polaroids i could scan. i'll work it out :):)

45

2009-07-10T16:40:00.007+10:00

i love everything in the world of potter.

44

2009-07-01T17:05:00.014+10:00

things i miss but don't necessarily tell people

my camera

sunday night movies on television

guilt-free candy

original adrenaline that would come from being out at night

summer, the sun on my back, long days, short nights

adventures and missions and challenges oh my

biology class drawing competitions

things i like at this very moment (5:24)

my ukulele

bones (both the show and the one that makes a skeleton)

this song

john francis daley

michael jackson's red leather jacket

juice boxes

cold feet

boys and their behaviour

43

2009-06-22T22:14:00.001+10:00

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me,

papa, paparazzi

42

2009-06-21T15:29:00.007+10:00

i know, i'm really attractive.

in other news, haircut! look at that fringe! ignore the huge gap! i was running, i swear!

i'd give you a breakdown of what i'm wearing, but can you even see it? it's all hidden behind that turntable.

edit: it works! the turntable fucking works!!!!!

41

2009-06-16T17:41:00.003+10:00

i've been watching a lot of season one friends. a lot. the clothes monica, phoebe and rachel wear are so very endearing. i'm going to make screencaptures next time. so many singlets and vests and gorgeous long skirts! oh i could die of excitement.

40

2009-06-11T18:20:00.012+10:00

image source: www.ryanmcginley.com

let me introduce you to my day.

wake up call: 9:24

getting dressed: 9:25 - 9:30

grabbing all my shit to not be late to my exam: 9:31 - 9:35

running down a main street to the train station: 9:35 - 9:39

running away from station back to main street after the train was due in 18 minutes: 9:40 - 9:43

standing aimlessly waiting for a tram: 9:44 - 9:45

asking young man who spoke little english to help me: 9:46

asking nice woman who didn't have any way of helping me: 9:47 - 9:48

getting into taxi with no money and no phone: 9:49

persuading taxi driver to take me to school: 9:50 - 9:52

get driven to school 9:53 - 10:01

arrive at 10:00 exam: 10:02

all in a days work.

39

2009-06-08T01:15:00.007+10:00

it's late. 1:16 infact.

i keep listening to this song yellow leaves by a small band the lloyd weir. (please check out their myspace, if you have the time.) the song makes me feel funny. really funny. and lonely. i know it's a smaller world than we all expect, but i just feel disconnected from everything right now. and i don't really know why. but i feel it's my fault. this year i've done a lot of things i'm unhappy with, really. and i think i would like to travel back to new years and change things, but i just can't figure out what.

i'm going to sleep alone tonight in a big empty house. and i'm scared. i don't want it to be like this in the future. (but it probably will?)

(image source; me)

38

2009-06-01T01:30:00.011+10:00

what is happening

stop moving

stop breathing

pause

37

2009-05-30T15:54:00.011+10:00

words have been giving me a hard time recently. the word sentence is not a part of my lexicon anymore, and things seem more beautiful in raw images.... text = hardly beautiful.

this is all perfectly timed to coincide with exams, no? i did however churn out 10+ pages of handwritten joy for my economics exam, although several were rewritten, but i think more than any other, my maths paper demonstrated my obsessive-compulsive tendencies: writing out an extended answer three times because i was unsatisfied with how i set it out? nuts... i tell you.

mostly this dissasitisfaction (guess how long i tried to spell that one) has come about thanks to my inability to describe my last two dreams. (and i know, i blab on about my dreams an awful lot, sorry!) i wouldn't usually care about this because i've let go of so many wonderful dreams in the past, but this is particularly irritating as there was a particular person... floating about in both. extremely prominent in the first... may have actually been a different person in the second.... but oh, how i would like to nancy drew this mystery.

does it even mean anything when you dream about that someone?

oh god, someone shut me up.

36

2009-05-28T20:10:00.006+10:00

tried

tired

bye

by, the way

skin head, dead head
everybody gone bad
trepidation, speculation
everybody allegation
in the suite, on the news
everybody dog food
black man, black male
throw your brother in jail

all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us

35

2009-05-23T21:59:00.004+10:00

source: the sartorialist

it's procrastination for a reason...

i love celia ammerman

my posts are becoming less and less becoming

i think i need to end this blog and start a new one - that is actually cohesive.

34

2009-05-19T20:45:00.004+10:00

today was really eye opening and unsettling and awkward and upsetting and i'm just not really sure what i should do anymore.

okay, bye.

33

2009-05-18T00:15:00.003+10:00

so i stumbled across this song, "you look great when i'm fucked up." (download it if you can. legally.... m'dears)

WHY DOES THIS SONG SO PERFECTLY FIT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?

i'm not even fucked up :(

just a little (or a lot) behind in my homework.

AND YET I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE. you look fucking great, in fact.

yeah, i'd say i'm a little insane in the membrane right now.

listening to this song is like marching up to your enemy in a little cowboy nation. tumbleweed roll on by. everyone's moving in slow motion, not because they can, but because it's necessary. you await the match to start. someone walks out of the bar, the stupid doors swaying back and forth non stop.

you fire.... a blank.

anticlimax. the end.

mmmmmmmmm muchos besos para mis amigos. (sorry for being in such a weird mood i just flinginflanin need to shake it out.)

32

2009-05-16T21:38:00.001+10:00

something about playing the ukulele seems so daggy,

which is why i love it.

31

2009-05-14T22:01:00.004+10:00

i haven't felt that way about a person in so long. what's it like again?

(except for you-know-who, but that hardly counts.)

30

2009-05-07T22:39:00.008+10:00

do you think if you were to cry and cry and never stop, and you never made the effort to wipe those little droplets away; do you think those tears would dry up and become lots of little crystals of salt,

so that perhaps, you'd start to sparkle, just a little,

and crying wouldn't be so bad after all.

29

2009-05-04T02:35:00.006+10:00

image source: ashlyn mclean

last night was tiered. many tiers makes for many points of discussion, but i think i am still too overwhelmed to mention them. highlights came in the form of a distinguished man in a bow tie, plastic glasses, and a miniature version of my laundromat dream. saddening really, but lowlights made appearances also, however, they were fleeting; early exits from friends and an invisible frown on a particular face made it all a bit more tragic. i feel as if i should be sharing some photos. maybe i will post two

here are five songs that did in fact make it onto the limo playlist.

also, indeed it is the early hours of morn but i am jittery and there is one single thought that continues to fly through my mind. so that i don't leave you curious, it is - my extended essay is due too soon.

this concludes my year 12 formal blog

28

2009-04-30T20:22:00.002+10:00

image source: style.com/gq

it has been a while dear friends,

and now may is approaching.

i have been busy making a playlist for my formal limo,

i will share shortly! with photos and other anecdotes soon.

27

2009-04-22T19:53:00.012+10:00

image source: frankie

today, i dug up my nanowrimo from last year and decided to revive it. i got no further than 2000 words in, but i'm slowly building it up again. here's a snippet that's... respectable.

Watching James drive made me anxious. I would say that generally he preferred to be the change instead of waiting for the change, and I always felt a little nauseous when I watched him overtake vehicles. He turned off at the wrong exit, but kept on driving. We entered the forests, trees surrounding us, green hitting our eyes from every possible corner. I nudged James. “What are you doing?”

“Change of scenery.” I shrugged and went along with it, sat back, and turned up the music. Radiohead blasted louder than ever. I rolled down the windows and stuck my hand out. The air hit my hand like one of those Hi-5’s where people don’t really mean it (and they just want to hurt you). The cars headed in the other direction rocketed past us, like they were on a mission. I wasn’t quite sure if we were on a mission, but James looked determined, and I didn’t want to deter that. So we continued to ride into the countryside, away from the sea (and away from everything I knew.)

26

2009-04-20T20:52:00.002+10:00

mmm is there a name for jacket love?

love for a jacket (and my tiger tee)

25

2009-04-19T16:16:00.003+10:00

things that i have enjoyed

black military jacket

harem pants

frames - harry potter and clubmasters (in the mail as we speak)

beanies

small brown leather bags

paul rudd in magazines

how stupidly dark the seating in degraves is

things i have not enjoyed

my homework pile actually growing

the end of holidays

lack of blu-tak

gaining weight

i keep buying black clothing

i'm poor

24

2009-04-17T16:51:00.010+10:00

beth, i hear you callin

but i cant come home right now

me and the boys are playin

and we just cant find the sound

just a few more hours

and i'll be right home to you

i think i hear them callin

oh, beth what can i do

beth what can i do

you say you feel so empty
that our house just aint a home
and i'm always somewhere else
and youre always there alone
just a few more hours
and i'll be right home to you
i think i hear them callin
oh, beth what can i do
beth what can I do

beth, i know you're lonely
and i hope you'll be alright
cause me and the boys will be playin
all night

i would like a song to my name (cath... doesn't count)

23

2009-04-15T18:20:00.009+10:00

image source: you wish

i'm kind of having lots of weird thoughts lately, and i'm sure it may be evident to some as to why i feel this way. unfortunately these thoughts won't stop for a while. you see the thing is, somewhere along the way, i tripped on the cord that causes the domino effect. and then everything in your life falls apart, one thing after the other, and all you can think is "was there any way i could have stopped this?"

i could have stopped it at the very start, but it was a bit like a champagne bottle cork. you touch it and it flies of.

i could have stopped the things i did and do it another way but i didn't. and so the bubble grew.

i could have stopped and talked and explained and reasoned, but i didn't.

i didn't because i can't describe it. i didn't because i don't want to say it out loud. i didn't because acknowledging it (or at least having someone else acknowledge it) is really signing the contract. it's like writing GAME OVER on your face, so that everyone who looks at you can scream at you LOSER LONER. and that L on your forehead doesn't stand for love, it's definitely for loser.

so do i keep going, do i not look back? or do i walk back with my head hung low like george-michael bluth, unable to look people in the eye because they are thinking the same thing i am.

i would tell you what i'm going to do but i honestly don't know, secretly, i'm hoping that the heavens will open up and a big tree with apples on it will ripen and the red fruit envelope the answer, so that when someone (not me, i won't be picking up apples from the ground) bites into it, the solution flies out, like a gas trapped in a bottle.

this has been a lot of aimless pondering today, i feel a bit like alice (not wonderland)

22

2009-04-12T21:45:00.004+10:00

no longer feel like black is appropriate for winter

slouchy is good, it's comfortable, and flattering

i want to wear whites, and maybe some colour

for a small surprise

21

2009-04-11T20:21:00.002+10:00

i could have seen this man
i really could have
but i missed the opportunity
that was right in front of me

never again

20

2009-04-07T23:45:00.004+10:00

there's honestly nothing.

the future is blank.

my life right now is blank.
thoughts have stopped passing through my mind.

what's going on?

19

2009-04-05T20:26:00.001+10:00

you can't tell,

but she's crying inside

18

2009-04-03T00:57:00.003+11:00

beautiful homes for beautiful people

17

2009-04-02T21:59:00.002+11:00

it's official

i'm poor

my bank account reads $11.06

in my wallet i have $60.00, of which $40.00 i am owing to my tutor

therefore i have a total of $31.06

with which i need to purchase

- a present (~$30)

- a formal ticket ($100)

- a meal for my starving body ($10)

- party bus ($10)

- limo ($25)

- going out ($50)

so i have $31.06 for $225

fun

16

2009-03-31T23:01:00.006+11:00

dreams dreams dreams

it has been so long since i've had a vivid dream

i used to have this weird habit (or maybe it is still a habit.. i wouldn't know), of recording all my dreams. it didn't really matter if they were important or not. but mostly, i took down the dreams that related to people i know.

so now, if i flip from journal to weblog, to previous diaries, i will always find the memories of my bedtime brain

15

2009-03-28T11:44:00.004+11:00

the formal steadily approaches.
if i were a betting woman,
i would gamble all my cash,
in the hopes that i could afford the following beauties.
lanvin and rodarte, there is nothing better.
(more pictures next time. i'm off to the relay for life)

14

2009-03-24T21:37:00.006+11:00

image source: weheartit.com (search - masks)

where is that moment -

where we say no.

where we stop giving

we keep giving and giving and giving and...

nothing

never anything.

is it so selfish to just want something in return?

"we're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” orson welles

13

2009-03-20T17:44:00.003+11:00

i want to play this.

i want people to think of me when they hear this.

12

2009-03-17T21:03:00.002+11:00

some honey with water,
and slow hot chip (think look after me),
should do the trick

11

2009-03-12T19:21:00.003+11:00

things don't go the way we imagine,

and then we begin to worry.

thoughts keep running through my head,

but i can't say what, i'm sorry.

10

2009-03-09T14:00:00.000+11:00

oh baby, oh baby, i can't wait for winter.

9

2009-03-07T13:07:00.008+11:00

image source: eyeonspringfield.tumblr.com

i'm a real nutter for glasses. if i could have perfect vision without any implications, there is a chance i would say no. i feel protected by my glasses. no one in the big bad world could possibly get me.

which is why when i dream, i don't feel so secure. and i know, dreams aren't real or anything, but last night i had one that chilled me to the bone and when i woke up, i thought i was going to burst out crying. the dream went a bit like this:

i was at this party, and you know, it wasn't like a big thing, but a lot of my good friends were there. for no particular reason, (although i think i was particularly mad at one friend,) i made my way over to this disgustingly greasy guy, and i suppose you can guess what happened next.

well, i look up and i see him standing there, and he's pretty upset with me. he runs off, and my other friends are just all standing there speechless. i jump up and chase after him. tears streaming down my face, i reach him. he just stares at me. doesn't say a word. so i ask, i ask "why did you run?" and still, he just looks in my direction. but not at me anymore, he sees straight through me. i'm just an obstruction to the light. i don't get what's going on, so i take a step forward. still no reaction. i press on "..., what's going on? ..., why now?" nothing. my legs give in, i fall to the ground, and all he does is stand there. "... i don't get it. you never felt anything. that's just how it was. can't you just tell me, ..., what's going on?

and then, i guess i woke up. of course, this scenario won't be repeating itself in real life, but it just scared me. i don't know if dreams are meant to reflect the past or reveal the future, if they're just that, dreams, and what you want, but just haven't admitted to yourself, or if they're never going to happen, and that's why you dream, because it gives you a chance to explore the alternate answer, but i know that i like them, despite the major scare factor.

8

2009-03-03T18:54:00.003+11:00

image source: the asteroids galaxy tour's myspace

so recently i took on the task of redoing my wardrobe, after realising i only wear possibly 1/10th of it. genius!, i thought. if i go through all my old clothes, i can find some things that i'll be able to wear again, and i'll have a whole new, reinvented wardrobe.

so... turns out i was a little wrong. my room has been flooded with clothing that i no longer wish to wear. there are pants, dresses, shirts, jumpers and shorts strewn over the entire floor. if i were to make a rough estimate, i would say that it's around 9/10ths of my wardrobe. no wonder i was only wearing a 10th, the rest is trash - seriously.

i really need some new clothes.

i'm taking it step by step instead, finding items for my winter wardrobe as the chills approach, and then i will slowly edge my way into a new summer wardrobe when the time comes. next time i will post a wish list because i'm having trouble thinking of what i don't want to include.

7

2009-03-02T17:17:00.003+11:00

image source: unknown (possibly fffound)

there is this girl in the year below, right? i worship the ground she walks on. frankly, i'm not even sure she knows i exist. well, it doesn't matter if she knows who i am or not, because it's not like i'm ever going to run up to her and squeal "i'm your biggest fan! that's right, you have a fan!" what an ego-booster. to be honest, my infatuation with her started slowly. first it was noticing her around school, and then slowly i started observing the way she wears her hair, her walk and posture, what clothes she was wearing instead of the regulation uniform.

and it all got me wondering, why do i even care? because really, i've heard her talking in the corridors, and i've seen her giggling with her friends - and i'm not even quite sure why i make her into such a big deal in my mind. but you see, the thing is, she tries, oh so very hard, to be an individual.

except that's the exact opposite of what she acheives. instead, she falls in line with the rest of the them, and it's all a bit laughable really. these things are supposed to come naturally... some people (and i won't name names) have to force it out of their system and it's so painful to see.

maybe that's why i like her so much. it's amusing to watch a person try and fail. does that make me a bad person?

probably.