running away till january third

I had a lot of fun tonight even though some points could have been less awkward but I suppose that sometimes that can't be avoided. There is still alcohol in my system and sometimes I feel like I can feel it running through my veins, hitting all parts of my body, taking control of who I am. Tonight's events left me thinking that perhaps I am not a forward person - unable to initiate. But then, I almost did, for once I was more proactive than the other. It didn't result in much, or anything at all really, but in my mind I did think to myself "You are doing something you do not usually do. You are becoming someone new. You are growing and changing while everyone is at a standstill." And that's true - I think that sometimes I have morphed into someone that the people around me can no longer recognise, and perhaps that is why sometimes ships are strained. Again this is a lot of rambling but it is going to have to last me until January 3rd, so it's important that I write down everything on my mind, for my head is unable to carry as much matter since my exams.

You're still on my mind and after discussions I am now even further away from the truth and further away from a final answer. I am hoping that once I have returned to my beautiful city, everything will have been resolved without my help and that you will come forward and explain and complete and solve and fix and do. It's not that I don't want to be forward and explain and complete and solve and fix and do, it's just that I would like to see you do it first, because I'm not sure if you are capable of such things. Only time will tell so I suppose I can only wait.

On the other hand you cannot leave my mind either, but it is for entirely other reasons. I can only dream but much like in The Science Of Sleep, when I dream too much they begin to overlap with reality and I confuse myself. There is a large picture of Gael Garcia Bernal staring me in the face right now, reminding me that I must stay close to the ground and not let fantasies get the better of me. But there you sit, haunting me, on my left shoulder, an angel and devil all in one, taunting me but also ridiculing me - how is it even possible for that to happen? But you continue to be forward, more forward than I, I suppose, but again, nothing shall eventuate because nothing ever does.

And then finally, I am drawn into silly games and am always entertained when I'm around you but I think sometimes I am too tolerant. I agree and just laugh and nod because yes it is funny, but also because I'm not sure what else there is I can do. I once let my brain try and do the thinking but the gut is mightier than the mind, apparently, and so I was led astray. But all in good fun and with no harm either.

That's everything. My mind is emptied, ready for travels.

One last thing, all my friends are intelligent and my respect and admiration for every single one of them has grown ten fold. I have never been so in awe of the people that I am honoured to call my friends and am proud of them too, because I know I could never pull off such a magnificent feat. On the other hand, all these 99+s are intimidating and frightening and I worry that when my own results should be released (January 4th) I will let them down, I will let myself down.

But hopefully, if they are good and proper friends, they will look beyond that.

X

rewind

You want it, then you need it. But then you need it more than you can have it and the cogs break down trying to cope with the demand. The surplus of demand results in a need for greater supply and so you sit there waiting, waiting, waiting for the moment to come when it is fine to want again, to need again; because this desire, this passion, is worth more than anything else you've ever encountered. And that might not be okay, but right now, you have no other option. And the desire takes over. And even when the timing is not right, even when you should be waiting - you take the plunge.

And it's all just a big mistake.

a lot to consider

an awful lot of food for thought

In visiting Salvador Dali: Liquid Desire today, my mind is only more puzzled and concepts become more complex. Above are many various images from many various places that have been on my mind in recent times. It is a mixed bag because I am beginning to think that we should not dwell on the same matter for too long. I realise that so many images in one place at one time can be confronting and hard to process, as I found myself struggling to digest all the Dali that was stirring in my brain, so I'm sorry if this is a bit of a photo vomit.

Today I sat helplessly on a tram while one girl inspected me and my uniform. She scrutinized my hair, my eyes hidden behind glasses, my chapped lips, my blazer pocket, the contents in my hand, the way I composed myself, head to toe. This was unsettling, but how do you tell someone to stop? Is it hypocritical if I analysed her too, as she ate her aero bar, chocolate dropping to her lap, her skirt scrunched, her hair messy, her jumper lopsided, her face menacing, her eyes filled with curiousity and frustration.

Also on the tram were two boys who had just shoplifted from the local opportunity store. Why this was a good idea to them is lost on me. One boy then began to tag the seat opposite me with a less than visible marker. It was a shit tag - long, complicated and looked like someone could have done it even if their vision was impaired. I wanted to tell them that if they were going to do these things they should at least do it right - steal from the greedy and tag to be noticed, but I felt that such encouragement was not necessary. They will probably continue to be that stupid for a long while.

a reviewing 52

I am beginning to believe that we are entirely in control of our lives. What life provides, I'll embrace. And really, why shouldn't I? It's an awfully beautiful thing that I have deemed insufferable. However, please do not be fooled. My sudden change in views is not spontaneous.

It is because yesterday I watched two films; Y tu mamá también and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I realise I have already gushed to my friends about them repeatedly, but most of that was non-sensical. Armed with some real thoughts about them, I would like to share them with you.

To condense the story of Y tu mamá también into one sentence, it is the story of two boys who begin a road trip acros Mexico with a beautiful woman, with only a beach named Heaven's Mouth in their sight. The film has an occasional narrator, who provides additional information at times when necessary. Y tu mamá también is best described as compelling. When the end of the film rolled around, I wasn't able to move. I sat there, speechless, unable to bring together coherent thought about it. It had an effect on me that very few films do. Usually I watch films for comfort and security, films set in high school are watched far too often by me (hello John Hughes and the wonders of the 80's), but Y tu mamá también confronted me like no other.

I think it is fair to say that I am not entirely sure I understand this film 100% yet. Yes, the plot was consise and beautiful but beyond that, there was discovery, and learning who we truly are - what we respond to, what we are angered by and what we desire. My viewing of the film has come at an appropriate time, now almost finished with my secondary education. Funny, how I never graduated from primary school. Perhaps that is why I feel like a child still. But I digress. I think my opinions of this film may change after a second viewing, but I wish to savour them, like a favourite lolly, and so I am unsure that I will watch it again soon.

While I woke up to Y tu mamá también, The Diving Bell and The Butterfly was viewed in the night. So many beautiful women in a film, but they are no distraction to the plot. It tells the story of Jean-Do Bauby and his life after suffering a stroke, crippling him with Locked-In Syndrome, where one is paralysed except for the eye.

I had very different feelings for this movie, possibly because it was all the more heart-breaking. It's still hard to gather the words about how I feel about it but I'm not at all surprised as to why so many of my friends adore this film. It was powerful, it filled me with hope, and it had strength. Oh god, this all sounds so dreadfully corny. The film was beautiful, I didn't dare blink throughout. (Ironic.) Watching the special features, so much thought went into every detail of it, culminating in one of the most stunning films I've viewed. But the cinematography only has the ability to add to the sentiment and meaning of this film, not draw from it. The film was uplifting, we can all find something from nothing. Kindness is all around, and I myself had a wonderful encounter at the market today. Thank you to the man who gave me a Frank Zappa DVD, it made my day. Alas, but it seems I've missed the mark once more.

I'm afraid I can't pick which of these I love more, because it is unfair to compare. Both are simply beautiful, perhaps for different reasons, but nonetheless, captivating. I encourage you to view both, but perhaps not in one sitting, that could potentially be lethal. My mind hasn't drifted from images of these two films since then and I'm not sure that can be classified as healthy.

I'm sorry. There's been a lot on my mind recently and I'm afraid it might not all make sense. This is insanely lengthy and I hope it hasn't sent you to sleep (but I feel it may have done so.)

a thoughtless 51

I couldn't sleep last night. So I began to write a letter. I kept on writing and writing and writing and I couldn't stop, I still can't stop. The words are spilling over the pages, my sentences are bcoming paragraphs which transform into pages of text; limitless letters that somehow formulate things of meaning. I'm writing things down that I never intended to tell anyone but I am telling you these things because these things need to be heard and they have to be heard by you. But I want to stop. I think I need to stop.

But I won't. Because I want to tell you so much, there are so many gaps that need to be filled. I just don't know how, and this idea, this letter, it's all I have to cling to anymore.

It'll all make sense when you open your letterbox.